The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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