Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
