I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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