someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
