dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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