you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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