you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
