I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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