i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I think I have vodka in my lungs
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
