Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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