tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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