I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
