Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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