Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
