so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
