I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
