Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
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