I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Randomize
