I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
