I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
