Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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