Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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