Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
