I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
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