he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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