I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I think my vagina is haunted
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
