Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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