apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
