ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
