Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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