So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
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It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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