his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
