i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
