I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
