also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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