her vagina looked like bernie madoff
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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