I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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