I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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