I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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