I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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