I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
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