the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
