M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
