I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Randomize
