thus making me awesome and them whores
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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