I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
