Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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