And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
