if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I am naked and annoyed.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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