Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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