you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
