I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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