hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
