i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
