maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
